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Post by Flippin Da Script on Oct 29, 2015 3:25:25 GMT -8
OK so first things first... I just want to clear up something. I know that the final decision is mine. Please read the entire post before commenting....
So I met this man in late Feb. 2015. After I broke up with my ex I had taken a 18 months break from men/dating whatever. Anyway I still wasn't looking and turns out he wasn't either. We decided to have a sexual friendship. Now I never felt like a booty call or anything. I live far from any family and for him to be from another country, it's funny his whole family is here. All I did was hang out with him and his family and friends. I have been to weddings, baby naming ceremonies, hell I've been to funeral gatherings. His friends, his family our age (30ish),his grandmother and her sisters... I mean everyone started telling me that he liked me. That no woman had been around this long. People thought we were lying when I said we were just dating. In fact he was telling people that I was his girlfriend.
But then people would start telling me about him with this girl and that girl. Never anything like what he and I had. Remember, no one promised fidelity. This was aa friendship. So anyway there were also incidents where I'm like okay... He wanting me to be his wife while he is single. Like not talking to other men and him finding out and definitely not having sex with other men (although I'm sure he has sex with other women) I mean some of it is default. Even if I am single, I'm not one to have sex with a bunch of men. I've only been with 3 men including him. He likes to have me cook and clean (which is expected of women in his culture.. I've seen his grandmother and close female friends come clean so..) But he pays none of my bills! Lol
Anyway this is my sex question. I feel that since he has changed the tone of the relationship, I have the right to renegotiate the terms of it. If you wanna be friends and 50/50 stuff and have sex and kick it okay fine. But if your going to expect some type of commitment on my part, then if you aren't giving me the same thing am I "wrong" for stopping the sex. Technically he hasn't cheated on me or lied to me etc. Should the sex or the relationship be the ultimatum. You know either we can have sex but if you want a relationship stop the other girls and let's be serious or hey no sex unless we have a relationship
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Post by Flippin Da Script on Oct 29, 2015 3:29:47 GMT -8
Just to add... A lot of times we just hang out and sleep in the same bed but never have sex. I have gained 20 lbs and I look and feel amazing. I am in no way unhappy in this arrangement. I just don't want to either become the old ball and chain nor do I want to cheat myself out of a promising relationship because I don't want to pressure him. I know he had recently come out of a relationship where the girl really hurt him so I understand his hesitation to dive right into commitment again.
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Post by lexxrey on Oct 29, 2015 6:44:44 GMT -8
I think you should decide what you want and create your own terms around that. I think you're maneuvering with the desire to make him happy hoping for him to "choose you" while you're not getting exactly what you want, perhaps out of fear of losing what you would consider a good thing. Be mindful, he's moving how he wants to while you're accommodating. I would not be hung up on waiting for this man to decide what he wants to do with you. If that means being open to seeing other people, creating new focuses such as hobbies, or spending more time with friends, I would show him that you have your own life to live and you're not waiting on his decision. I'm not sure if giving him an outright ultimatum is going to be the most effective as not all men respond well to "we need to talk" especially if you're not in a traditional relationship. If you do feel the need to stop having sex with him, maybe you're feeling taken advantage of, then don't have sex with him and I think you will send the right message that that's not the kind of relationship you're looking for anymore. I think acting in accordance to what you want lets him know with actions, not words that you know what you want for yourself and he has no choice but to respect that decision regardless if he "chooses you" or not. I believe you honoring what you want for yourself is what's most important. I hope you find peace and blessings in whatever you choose.
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thickyfitt01
Female
Posts: 59 
Relationship: Single Not Looking
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Post by thickyfitt01 on Oct 29, 2015 6:45:42 GMT -8
It sounds like he wouldn't need to commit to you since you're already playing the role of the girlfriend. He's getting all of his needs met with you AAANNDD he gets to see other woman, too.
You can talk with him about becoming exclusive with each other. If he agrees, great. If he doesn't, that's fine too. I do think that you should stop the cooking and cleaning, if he doesn't agree. He already has his mom and grandmother cleaning and cooking for him, why does he need you to do it?
I'd also suggest easing up on all of his family functions, too. It may just be me, but I'm a little troubled that the family is telling that you outlasted any other girl in the past, but that he still brings other girls around. That's kinda of messy to me I guess. If I were you, I wouldn't go to anymore family functions.
Finally, I would get out and meet more people. I don't know what it is, but when a man sees that your schedule isn't as open as it use to be and that you actually have OPTIONS, all of a sudden he acts like Drake in Hotline Bling lol. Wondering what you're doing and who you're doing it with. Anyway, I hope it works out for the best.
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Post by Flippin Da Script on Nov 1, 2015 15:02:25 GMT -8
I think you should decide what you want and create your own terms around that. I think you're maneuvering with the desire to make him happy hoping for him to "choose you" while you're not getting exactly what you want, perhaps out of fear of losing what you would consider a good thing. Be mindful, he's moving how he wants to while you're accommodating. I would not be hung up on waiting for this man to decide what he wants to do with you. If that means being open to seeing other people, creating new focuses such as hobbies, or spending more time with friends, I would show him that you have your own life to live and you're not waiting on his decision. I'm not sure if giving him an outright ultimatum is going to be the most effective as not all men respond well to "we need to talk" especially if you're not in a traditional relationship. If you do feel the need to stop having sex with him, maybe you're feeling taken advantage of, then don't have sex with him and I think you will send the right message that that's not the kind of relationship you're looking for anymore. I think acting in accordance to what you want lets him know with actions, not words that you know what you want for yourself and he has no choice but to respect that decision regardless if he "chooses you" or not. I believe you honoring what you want for yourself is what's most important. I hope you find peace and blessings in whatever you choose. That's the thing, I'm fine with our original arrangement. We have a great time together. He has helped me with my kids, he comes over and helps around my home. I really don't care about the other girls because I enjoy being in an honest relationship with someone. I'm not really ready to be in a committed dating relationship either. That's why I'm wondering if the sex is making it too much of a grey area. I get the same freedoms he does. I do go out with other people... Girlfriends and other men. |
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Post by Flippin Da Script on Nov 1, 2015 15:11:59 GMT -8
It sounds like he wouldn't need to commit to you since you're already playing the role of the girlfriend. He's getting all of his needs met with you AAANNDD he gets to see other woman, too. You can talk with him about becoming exclusive with each other. If he agrees, great. If he doesn't, that's fine too. I do think that you should stop the cooking and cleaning, if he doesn't agree. He already has his mom and grandmother cleaning and cooking for him, why does he need you to do it? I'd also suggest easing up on all of his family functions, too. It may just be me, but I'm a little troubled that the family is telling that you outlasted any other girl in the past, but that he still brings other girls around. That's kinda of messy to me I guess. If I were you, I wouldn't go to anymore family functions. Finally, I would get out and meet more people. I don't know what it is, but when a man sees that your schedule isn't as open as it use to be and that you actually have OPTIONS, all of a sudden he acts like Drake in Hotline Bling lol. Wondering what you're doing and who you're doing it with. Anyway, I hope it works out for the best. I don't cook and clean all the time. He is not American and where he came from, women do the cooking and cleaning. He buys all the food and he will cook a lot too. I only clean the kitchen if I cook. The rest of his apt he does lol. He also helps with my kids and around my apt. He drives everywhere we go and he usually pays or splits the bill so I reap some of the gender roles he is used to. He does not bring other women around me and honesty if he's not at work, I'm with him. Not saying people can't sneak but it is him making these steps. I have keys to his apt but he doesn't have keys to mine. I said I wanted to move when my lease is up and he said I should move into his apt complex. I'm just wondering if I should attempt to pursue a relationship if he has taken these steps and is just scared from past relationships. I've never had a "cuddle buddy" arrangement before so is it appropriate to have sex if I want to softly push a relationship. I'm a little scared of a commitment myself. I feel like some people over think a situation and as soon as we try to make something official, my happiness will leave. |
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Post by lexxrey on Nov 1, 2015 19:24:31 GMT -8
I understand, it just seems as though you have discontent about some aspect of the arrangement. If you're happy I don't think an ultimatum is in order. Whether you have a title or not is I guess not the most important thing if the relationship is where you want it to be. If you're comfortable and feel dignified stay on your path and once the situation starts to insult your soul than listen and adjust as needed. Just stay true to yourself and don't do anything out of fear, that's negative motivation and you might be feeding codependency. Best wishes to you.
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Post by copperflower on Nov 3, 2015 11:38:28 GMT -8
It sounds like you know what you want and what you're ready for right now. I'd leave things as is but would continue to see other guys as he may or may not be what you want down the road. When you get the feeling that you just can't be without him than sit down and communicate that with him but it doesn't sound like you NEED him although you are enjoying him  ? |
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