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Post by akanundrum on Aug 27, 2015 6:12:40 GMT -8
Get relationship advice here. Anonymous/Non-members are welcome to post!
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Post by Anonymous on Aug 31, 2015 19:43:16 GMT -8
so I've been married for 5 years and and my wife and I dated 11 years prior. I would like to think we have a pretty good marriage aside from a few bumps in the road. An issue that has been nagging me is how my wife engages in social media and how she views it. She spends a lot of time on it and she's attractive so she gets a lot of unsolicited attention but doesn't really go into detail about it. She doesn't really like to talk about it either. She says after sixteen years we shouldn't be having these types of discussions. She says it's my insecurities. Am I insecure? Or do I have a legitimate concern with how we engage with others on social media sites. Do I have trust issues? Should you just trust someone to do and act as they say with no boundaries? I'm so frustrated...
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Post by 9ethrdchef on Aug 31, 2015 22:17:43 GMT -8
Not at all! So long as you aren't governing her every move, it's perfectly normal to have a sense of jealousy. After 16+ years of being together, it should be flattering that you still have a level of jealousy regarding men staring at your wife. And it isn't about being insecure, it's about keeping that trust level high. Men will gravitate more to a woman in a relationship than a woman who's single because it's the ultimate deal. Have the best parts like sex and negate the worst parts like commitment. It's something a fair amount of men fantasize about. So it's not that you don't trust your wife, you don't trust the men who confide themselves in your wife
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Post by Anonymous on Sept 1, 2015 5:27:59 GMT -8
I've tried to explain that to her much like how you've said it but she regards trust as not worrying about what your significant other is doing at all and to me that's crazy in a marriage because pretty much you could look up one day and your spouse has been cheating for years because there is never any checks and balances. To me it's a difference between trust and being naive.
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Post by Anonymous on Sept 1, 2015 5:31:20 GMT -8
I wish their was a clearer more eloquent way to explain what trust really is because it seems people love to throw that word around when questioned about ANYTHING.
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Post by fatfredjones on Sept 4, 2015 14:34:45 GMT -8
I think the key factor here is in how she interacts with these guys who are giving her so much attention. She also needs to be mindful that your time together, although long, doesn't automatically negate concern regarding possible infidelity. People cheat eve after spending 30 years together when all seems well. You should make it clear that you're not accusing her of wrongdoing, but she needs to be aware that almost every incident of infidelity starts off as something so little. Boundaries need to be established and respected.
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Post by akanundrum on Sept 4, 2015 16:10:01 GMT -8
I wish their was a clearer more eloquent way to explain what trust really is because it seems people love to throw that word around when questioned about ANYTHING. Trust is saying: in-spite of what this looks like and the lack of proof I have BELIEVE ME. Trust is an emergency savings withdrawal not a checking account transaction - you only ask for it/rely on it when you NEED it and have nothing else. Therefore, I like to make deposits as often as possible...if there's an opportunity to show PROOF in a sketchy situation I do so voluntarily because I know one day - even though I'm innocent, things could look bad, and I'll need to rely on the TRUST I've BUILT UP. |
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Post by akanundrum on Sept 4, 2015 16:14:16 GMT -8
As a person whose pretty active and popular online - you're not over exaggerating. I've been in relationships and single while online. I would be lying if I said I haven't acted inappropriately at the time...and is be lying if I said the relationship wasn't at the optimal state of health. Not justifying it, just giving you honesty and clarity. Granted, I view things very differently now...but the attention is artificially inflated, so it's easy to say "It's not real" but that smile on her face is VERY REAL.
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Post by rayjefury on Sept 5, 2015 8:58:41 GMT -8
Social media (as well as many other activities) are a form of escapism, and not all escapism is bad. A hobby, a side hustle, just hanging out with friends on occasion could also constitute a "break from the norm". I only view it as problematic in a couple of situations.
1. When the "norm is the break". When that hobby or escapism becomes more of your real life, than your actual real life.
2. When you are avoiding resolving issues or problems in a relationship and opting instead for the escapism
My wife doesn't really do social media that much. But we're friends on FB, IG, and Twitter. I am on all of them way more than she is, but if she wants she can see what I'm doing because I'm not doing anything that I would need to hide from her. Would she share the items with you that are garnering her the unsolicited attention without hesitation or explanation? If she would, my opinion is that she really is just interacting with folks on the net, and those dudes are just being "those dudes". She could garner the same unsolicited attention just walking down the street and it wouldn't mean she was doing something nefarious. But if she is aiding and abetting in the unsolicited attention (i.e. I didn't ask for anyone to holler at me, but I did post some thirst trap photos) then maybe a conversation between the two of you is in order. Just my opinion though.
At the end of the day, you all have to get to a place of trust because, you won't gain security by controlling someone else's every move. And you can't establish around the clock surveillance. At some point you have to have the trust that that person is doing what they're supposed to be doing
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Post by Anonymous on Sept 6, 2015 4:55:56 GMT -8
I appreciate the feedback and insight. This forum is awesome and this is a great outlet for someone to vent and get valuable advice. Thanks you all!
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Post by rayjefury on Sept 6, 2015 9:58:59 GMT -8
No problem. Hope things work out for you
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Post by imperfection15 on Sept 28, 2015 17:40:57 GMT -8
In my opinion, you have the right to ask questions. You all live together, split the internet bill, which is allowing her to communicate with whomever she is, so there shouldn't be hesitation when you come into the room while she's on Facebook. If she doesn't feel like discussing it with you, then she should be okay with leaving her account open, giving you full access to it, so you have nothing to question.
The second thing I want to note is the attention that she's seeking. The fact that you know that she's getting a particular type of attention tells you two things:
1) You're not speaking her "love language"
2) Someone else/other people have identified her "love language," which is why she's engaging in this virtual social interaction
So, if you want to see a change, pay attention to how the people she's interacting with on social media are speaking to her (because it's peeking her interest). If she just likes all the "likes" on her 'self-ies' on Instagram, try complementing her more. If it's messages that she's receiving on Facebook, from males being a bit more, how would you say... rough around the edges, using more slang, and probably not calling her the queen that she is, try using that language with her. Or, if the messages are more romantic, and you haven't written her a poem, then I'd pick up a pen.
Honestly, at the end of the day, she's probably just engaged in social media, because it allows her to be seen and appreciated by other men, which can gratifying, yes, but it shouldn't gove over board. You have been together for 16 years, so don't be afraid to spice things up; surprise her every now and again, to let HER know that she (and you) still have it!
Best of Luck!
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Post by kweendriz on Oct 26, 2015 15:02:04 GMT -8
I've been involved with a really great man for 2 years... He has become a great friend and so much more, BUT he's in prison (2 more years) and I have a hard time dealing with all of the issues that come along with being with a man in prison. He's really smart and we click but I'm the type of person who doesn't like surprises so dealing in the unknown is driving me crazy. He was born a God, has never eaten pork, is so assertive and confident but he comes with baggage. I have never patiently waited for anything and this is like a true test for me... Most guys I meet out here don't really compare but I can't help wonder if I'm doing too much by dealing with him and of course what if it doesn't work out... My main concern is my son though... Can a man who has been to prison offer him any type of quality? He graduated hs, did some college, was a hard worker but was a drug dealer... I understand his background and how that came to be, he has never done drugs, he doesn't want that life anymore... It's just that I have to wait so long to even find out what if... I've always raised my sun alone but I know he wants a man in his life, I can't be that for him... But I feel like I'm selling him short. Please don't talk shit to me for having feelings for a man doing time but any insight is welcome ✌  ?️ |
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thickyfitt01
Female
Posts: 59 
Relationship: Single Not Looking
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Post by thickyfitt01 on Oct 28, 2015 3:18:53 GMT -8
I've never dealt with a situation like yours, but I do know that a brother on lock down will sometimes act totally different when he is free. Just follow your gut feeling. We sometimes see big ass glaring red signs in our relationships and find the craziest logic to explain it away. It's not just your heart at stake. You do have a son to think about also. This man could have alot to teach your son, despite his past.
And I would suggest him NOT staying with you as soon as he gets out.
Lol I know I was all over the place, but I hope everything works. Keep a clear head and stay logical and you should be fine.
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Post by lexxrey on Oct 28, 2015 5:15:33 GMT -8
I agree with thickyfitt01 Another thought I had was even if he is great and feels great to you and inspires you, he can be a force in your life without you having to put everything on hold while he's alway. If he wants to do right by you I believe he would understand taking it slow and not putting pressure on expectations for the future. Take the time you have apart to learn each other. A great point previously stated is be aware of the red flags. We trick ourselves into justifying things when our heart gets carried away.. don't forget to use your head. Best of luck. |
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