Low Down Dirty Shame
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Post by Low Down Dirty Shame on Aug 28, 2015 8:51:57 GMT -8
I was a side chick to the same man for over 8 years. Which to this day, is the longest relationship I've ever had. (laughing but very serious). I was going to go into a detailed explanation and story about how we met, the situation and circumstances surrounding our initial encounter and how/why a one night stand turned into a 8 year "thing", but that would be a long read so I'll summarize and say as toxic, unhealthy, dangerous, risky and disrespectful as it was to be a willing victim and participant to such taboo, I have greater memories with HIM and have felt more love and affection from this man than anyone that's ever uttered the words "I love you" to me. No one knows about us, and though relationships with other people we tried to "commit" to never worked out, we always did, some how some way. Toward the end we discussed just finally being together and being with each other since it was clear we loved each other more than we ever wanted to admit. But for obvious reasons we could never trust each other enough to commit to a permanent relationship with each other. Go figure. We tried to maintain a cordial friendship but it wasn't possible so we mutually agreed to just end it and "grow up" so that we could truly find the faithful love we both deserved.The irony right?... It's been 2 years since we have had any form of communication. and aside from this forum, this will probably be a secret I take the grave. Insert Jill Scott- Cross my mind here
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SMH At The Time I Wasted
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Post by SMH At The Time I Wasted on Sept 8, 2015 7:44:48 GMT -8
i didn't start off as a sidechick but ended up as one as he got married years later...it was the longest relationship i have ever had also...it was the most damaging, verbally abusive, relationship...the things i allowed to happen in my life i didn't even know who i was anymore...i look back on it and just shake my head because i don't wish that on any woman...all of the lies and hurt you experience, and then the money is supposed to compensate for the pain which it does for a little while and then you are back miserable..we ended on a bad note this last time as we always do and i will never go back again lesson learned that what i though was love was a toxic draining relationship...we were drugs to each other we kept each other high on the needs we both wanted...it was selfish on both parts and it damages your perspective on dating in the future also..
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Low Down Dirty Shame
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Post by Low Down Dirty Shame on Sept 13, 2015 18:01:13 GMT -8
...we were drugs to each other we kept each other high on the needs we both wanted...it was selfish on both parts and it damages your perspective on dating in the future also..
You nailed it! We were certainly drugs to each other. And although our actions were beyond selfish and hurtful to the ones we were supposed to be committed to, it was hard to break the habit. We ultimately only hurt ourselves and our own idea's of trust, true love and the foundation of a relationship. Although I did not experience the verbal abuse or money manipulation you described in your post- I certainly experienced the damaging results of my own actions as well as the unhealthy emotional attachment back then.
I actually came here to update my original post and vent a little...well....because he and I have reconnected again. It had been 2 years, 2 WHOLE YEARS, since we had any form of communication. Then, one day, randomly, while I was out school supply shopping for my child, we ran into each other, at the store. He noticed me first, called my name to make sure it was me, and immediately ran to embrace me. We hugged and he kissed me on the cheek and forehead so many times it made me laugh, and he held on to me a little longer than I expected. We talked for a while, did the usual small talk and caught up on life within a short amount of time. He made it very clear that he was single and a changed man. Focused on his goals and trying to better himself to become the man he knows he should have been all along. It caught me off guard how verbal and honest he was. He had always been honest with me, but not in the genuine caring type of way, more of the i'm telling you so you know what it is type of way in the past. The curve ball with this encounter is that he pretty much confessed that he had thought of me often. And always wanted to reconnect again now that he had changed so that we could be a family and love each other- no one else. YES HE SAID THAT...RIGHT THERE IN THE STORE... now that's a curve ball to the rules of "side chicks/ side dude situationships." He said he always knew I was a good woman, and that I was marriage material. That my heart was pure and that my weakness was him. He knew I had something special for him in my heart and I loved him, yet I could never break the addiction or habit i had formed to him. As stupid and crazy as this sounds its all true. I would never cheat with anyone else. I was really just into him. Everything about him. Our conversations were always out of this world. He always taught me something. He had intrigued my mind way before he had ever touched my body and that's what always had me going back to him. His mind. So now, that we are both single. We have gone on 4 dates. None of which have involved sex, and this is no longer the sneaking around thrill we had years ago...this is legit we are going out in public, spending time together, holding hands, embracing each other and showing love to each other for the world to see...its not our little secret any more. Last night on our date we ran into a buddy of his and he introduced me as his girl and encouraged us to engage in conversation about ourselves. TOTALLY BLEW MY MIND.
So now this is where the lines get blurred. I want to embrace this. I want to believe this fairy tale and truly THINK maybe this is finally something real. Especially since i'm not the one pushing it, he is. But then the logical part of me screams SOMETHING ISN'T ADDING UP HERE. Why after 8 years of being each others little secret, are we all of a sudden pretending like this is a new encounter for us. Like we just started dating and getting to know each other...ignoring our 8 (nearly 9 now) year past. And the logical part also says "if i'm not the side chick any more, that means that position is wide open again".... What do i do here. I feel stupid to even post this, but apart of me wants to believe maybe, just maybe , things are what they appear this time. thoughts and opinions are welcome! |
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SMH At The Time I Wasted
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Post by SMH At The Time I Wasted on Sept 14, 2015 13:55:42 GMT -8
that is a hard one to call...him saying he is changed is just talk...you have to focus only on his actions...this is all new because you are no longer a secret...you are getting to know each other on another level...for me because of past history it would take me a long time to trust anything about the situation...he know you..he knows that he was your weakness so he could still possibly try to prey on that again later on down the road....i would still date other men and see if he is really genuine and he isn't looking for another side chick all the while trying to court you....
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Post by Listen_In on Sept 21, 2015 0:40:24 GMT -8
This whole forum was so awesome to read knowing others go thru the same thing. It was also very interesting to hear that you two ran into each other again. Something like a book or a movie I love it. But putting all of that aside I agree with the above post I think you should continue to date other men and let it be known to him. See where if he persists. Honestly with this one, given your past relationship, only time can tell. Since you guys are no longer a secret and are enjoying each other's company out in the open for everyone to see, you now have the dynamics of a real relationship and the excitement of the secret lovers is gone. Just see how it plays out. Spend as much time with him as you can bring him around family and friends. See if this man is the one, if he can hang. The key is to be open and honest about your wants and fears and if he'll do the same
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Post by Rehab101 on Sept 26, 2015 8:31:58 GMT -8
No...no...noo.. NO! Don't do it. Leme tell u something. Men that have "extra women" for extended periods of time don't change..Always reference the well known saying "if somebody shows u who they are...believe them"
This is his character and the fact that he kept u for 8 long yrs means he's studied u ever step of the way..he knows what to say to keep u latched on.....don't ever give him that power again.
Trust me his friends already knew about u before and I'm sure he's already talked to them about y'all recent encounter. Don't let that man make a fool outta u twice.
And lastly don't do it out of respect for the woman he was actually with. I'm sure she knew about u whether she made it known or not.....she has to care the scars of the situation also.
Men like him prey on women who don't kno their worth or going through something....alot of brothas know alot of sistas are damaged and urn for some one to care about them n make them feel special...even if it is wrong.....
And any opportunity like this one where a man can potentially get what he wants without responsibility or commitment he'll try to take it.
Right now he already knows u still have feelings for him.....and I'll tell u through experience go cold turkey....u don't have tell him off with an attitude but just cut it off and u move on to getting rid off all that toxic energy out of your life...so you can welcome somebody who will love u "correctly"
Side chics have the advantage of learning every "players" move and just how far they'll go to keep they're way of life a secret.
Love yourself sweetheart and don't bring this man back into your life
-rehab101
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Post by Rehab101 on Sept 26, 2015 8:43:14 GMT -8
One last thing if he never acknowledged that the whole "situationship" was wrong then that's another red flag....if he really cared he should want u to find somebody better than him.
U spent 8yrs with him..u know the signs...u know how he is.....don't let the hope of y'all being together all that time blind you of what he really is....
He wore a mask for 8yrs and that's just with u....I'm sure he's worn a mask for quite some time....goodness knows how many others he's damaged.
Be wise sis
-rehab101
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Post by Minx10 on Oct 28, 2015 11:46:03 GMT -8
What happened???
I am in a similar situation now to how you originally were but it's new.
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Post by Rehab101 on Oct 29, 2015 15:46:45 GMT -8
Get out of the situation while it's new...bc 99% of these "situationships" don't end well...they'll tell you everything u need to hear to get u to stick around
Do Not make yourself an "option" for any man....always always think of how u would feel if u were his main woman and he was cheating on you...that man doesn't care about u or her....do yourself a favor and walk away before he hurts you (and he WILL if u dont)..
If a man cares for you and really wants to be with u then he would never want you to "wait" for him while he leaves another woman...and always remember if he leaves her for you he will more than likely leave u for someone else.....
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Post by Lostnlove on Nov 1, 2015 0:55:37 GMT -8
So what would you suggest for this. I was in a relationship with someone for a year. I fell for this man from the moment I saw him (literally) but he never knew for months. . I did not know that he was married and had three children until after I found out that I was pregnant with his child. I did have our baby and he is a great father to our child (even signed birth certificate) and our son has his last name. Now even though we are secret, we go out to the movies, may even take a weekend to get away. Heck, he even tends to my yard.....lol I truly love this man! And technically I'm not "just the side chick" but his son's mother. This in turn makes it even harder to just cut him "cold turkey". I'll be honest, I am content right now because I am not looking for a relationship. However he believes we are in a relationship and said he would be devastated if I left him. This is one of the hardest situations that I've ever been in.
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Post by Rehab101 on Nov 3, 2015 3:04:26 GMT -8
Ok let's set something straight
A married man will do and say absolutely anything to prevent you from "exposing" an affair primarily to his wife
Now with that said...he doesn't believe that u two are in a relationship or that you're soulmates..but rather he wants to make u think that's how he feels.
It's unfortunate that u have a son by him but what will u tell his son when he gets older? Will he ever know his other siblings? How would holidays n family functions work out...will he ever get to meet his other grandparents and will your family ever get to know him...the real him....
You should not want to be a secret all your life ""for his sake"".. IF he truly cared he would have told u he was married..I promise u if u confessed this to his wife he won't be saying he feels like he's in a relationship....he'd look at u as a loyal dog that bit him.
I think his wife deserves to know. ALot of ppl feel some kinda way about that but sooner or later the truth Always comes out and the wife/gf is Always the one hurt the most.
If he really didn't tell u he was married I would let his wife know and let her decide where she wants to stay....depending on how long they been together or her circumstances there's a chance she may not leave him....but if she does then there's a possibility that he may not want to be with you....bc once he doesn't have the weight of the affair hanging over his head there won't be any reason to cater to u....
And always remember the golden rule that if he cheated with u he'll likely cheat on u to...
I'd also keep all of my thoughts n feelings to myself to prevent him from trying to cover his tracks.....bc I'm sure there's plenty that he keeps from you.
Do NOT keep allowing yourself and your son to be this man's secret...you are worth more then that...his wife deserves more than that and u Both deserve more than Him....he does not care for either of u...I would have a sit down with her and leave him...and by leave him I mean go find an "actual" relationship with someone else.....which I'm sure he'd have an issue with bc men like him are also selfish n greedy..they want to do what they wana do as long as u stay put.
That is my advice. There's more in life that staying in a situation that will eventually become miserable. Go out and find someone that will love you "correctly"
- rehab101
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