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Post by anonymous on Sept 24, 2015 15:18:10 GMT -8
There has been a funk in the air between me and my significant other. Our family is growing but financially we are struggling. Lately he has been not coming home after work until later, not always crazy late but he would be under the influence. Our agreement was to let me know when he will be making a stop out to chill. He hasn't. I usually say nothing but recently I confront him when he gets home and he shuts me out. Other occasions I being it up he shuts me out. He won't talk to me but I spill everything to him. I'm soon due and it seems he is drawing further away...I'm stuck. He knows I want to be there for him and always am. He admits there's something wrong but why isn't he discussing. He sees it's hurting me.
Sorry for the rambling it's a lot
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Post by rayjefury on Sept 29, 2015 8:51:10 GMT -8
Wow, I'm sorry to hear this. Obviously not a good situation to be in. I'm not sure what to tell you about the relationship. Can't fix things that can't be discussed. And you can't make him talk.
Unfortunately, him not coming after work could be a red flag (emphasis on "COULD BE"). I don't know if the actual problem is between you and he in your relationship, but the act of essentially "avoiding coming home" and going to bars might (again emphasis on "MIGHT") be indicative of a need for escapism. Often when men find reasons NOT to come home or to avoid it as long as possible it's because they don't have peace and happiness in that home. Again, not necessarily blaming that on you or saying it's something you're doing. As you mentioned you're having financial struggles and that may be weighing on him heavily and so he avoids coming home and drinks to avoid facing the things that remind him of that financial struggle.
How often do you all talk about finances? Does it usually result in an argument if you do?
How often do the the two of you argue about anything (finances, responsibilities in the household, coming home, sex)?
I know you said you all are strapped, but if the relationship is to survive, you may have to get some counseling from professionals. Again, I don't mean this to scare you or alarm you, I am only speaking from experience here, when I was in a relationship and I wasn't happy, but unwilling to admit I was unhappy, I subconsciously acted it out by doing all I could to minimize the time I had to interact with the person who was making me unhappy. I "convinced" myself that I was staying late at work because I really needed to get things done but there was nothing I was working on that warranted the amount of energy I was putting into it. And eventually I had to admit to myself, that I was doing it, because I didn't want to be home. That place that was supposed to be MY bubble, my castle, my shelter from stress was the place that most robbed me of my peace.
I'm not necessarily suggesting that you cater to him and making him feel comfortable at home (especially with you being pregnant right now... you probably need more comfort and security than anything) but I am suggesting that when dudes stop coming home, it can often be a serious issue, and one for which I would recommend you seek out trained counselors. These kind of things usually don't sort themselves out their own; you'll probably need help (AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN IT!!! Please don't avoid counseling it really can help and at some point in out lives we ALL need help) I wish you the best, wish I had something more positive to say, but I just have to be honest with you.
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Post by anonymous on Oct 3, 2015 8:26:34 GMT -8
Thank you so much for your reply, gives me an outsider perspective without judgement. We have discussed it and he admitted the reason and the familiarity of running away and handling it on his own. I kept it real and let him know im here. Not going to overstep but going to continue to give him the realness of the situation. That he isn't in it alone, we are all affected. In a loving way however, not trying to make him feel worse than he probably does. Im glad that you worked through yours!
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Post by rayjefury on Oct 3, 2015 8:44:12 GMT -8
It's good that you were able to talk; being shut out and left in the dark is not the business. Please continue to communicate with one another and build each other up (and yes I realize that I am somewhat preaching to the choir since it doesn't seem like you had any issues with communication). But communication can help you get through a lot of issues. Being in a committed relationship isn't just about overcoming adversity, it's about knowing how to love one another and then doing it. So as you have time to ask him what he needs from you and be sure to communicate what you need from him. Best wishes to you both.  |
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Post by amirinyahya on Oct 10, 2015 22:37:41 GMT -8
Its really hard for men to express what they're going through at times. Especially in situations when they feel that they're not fulfilling their roles as men. We live in a culture that bashes men for expressing emotion or "weakness". You're pregnant and he's not providing like he may think he should so he may be going through a lot.
All that being said, be mindful of what you said - he's coming home under the influence and staying out late when you've already discussed how that's affecting you. Drugs and alcohol don't solve problems and if he's using either to run away or bury his problems that could escalate. If he's not considering your feelings about his habits and also taking his responsibility to your household seriously, that's also something to take into consideration going forward.
When a man is out late he's not protecting his family. If he's been told that it stresses you out, he's not doing his duty to take care of your wellbeing as his woman, and given the financial situation - any money he's spending on these nights out could be going to building up what y'all need.
All these are things to seriously consider as a woman and ask yourself if you're willing to deal with those things forever? Is he willing to change - and SHOWING that? What kind of environment do you want to raise your child in and have you both discussed what needs to happen to create that? As the previous commenter said, you have to know how to love each other and DO it. That means you have to know what you need to feel loved and not only give it to yourself but also communicate it to him in a way he can understand and vice versa.
If it's worth it, work it.
Peace + Love
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Post by justpeachy on Oct 14, 2015 20:21:26 GMT -8
I wish I could double tap amirinyaha comment a few times, especially that 2nd paragraph. When you have different styles of communication and one closes you out to seek fulfillment elsewhere, is a recipe for disaster. Especially when those sources are alcohol, drugs or other women. You now have a new problem when anyone if those avoidance tactics become a habit.
I can just say is to seek help on conflict resolution to ensure that he effectively handles his communication skills and you don't escalate the situation based on frustration.
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