cham
Female
Posts: 7 
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Post by cham on Sept 26, 2015 20:46:29 GMT -8
Random rant: I tell my friends and family I'll be happiest when i find some one to do thee corniest things with. Some one who enjoys the thought of marriage as much as i do and cant imagine that journey with out me.
Im 25 and it seems, in the black community that marriage is such a foreign concept, especially to my generation. Why is that?
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Post by rayjefury on Sept 29, 2015 8:18:41 GMT -8
Random rant: I tell my friends and family I'll be happiest when i find some one to do thee corniest things with. Some one who enjoys the thought of marriage as much as i do and cant imagine that journey with out me. Im 25 and it seems, in the black community that marriage is such a foreign concept, especially to my generation. Why is that? Hey cham sorry I'm just now seeing this. What you call corny I call idiosyncrasies (because it has more syllables and people think you are smart when you use it correctly in a sentence) but I tend to find that many couple are happy when they have shared interests and can tolerate (and even participate) in the other's corniness. Some of it can be endearing when you get to see a side of each other, a relaxed and informal you, that others don't get to see. As for someone enjoying the thought of marriage, I think that comes when the right people meet each other at the right time. As I was saying in another post today, in the black community (and in other communities as well I believe) people are just waiting much longer to get serious and start families. If you are prone to do so, I would caution you against measuring your progress against the milestones of previous generations... they just aren't as applicable as they used to be. Getting established economically is taking a LOT longer for this generation compared to other due to wages not increasing nearly as fast as the cost of living. So whereas my Mom and Dad were married in the 20's and in a single family home, I didn't achieve the same until I was in my late 30's. It's a different world out there. And the fact that you aren't married isn't necessarily indicative of a problem. It may just be a question of timing. Right person has to find you at the right time. Until then... enjoy (as much as you can) being single. It ain't all bad right?  |
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cham
Female
Posts: 7
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Post by cham on Sept 29, 2015 21:42:17 GMT -8
Random rant: I tell my friends and family I'll be happiest when i find some one to do thee corniest things with. Some one who enjoys the thought of marriage as much as i do and cant imagine that journey with out me. Im 25 and it seems, in the black community that marriage is such a foreign concept, especially to my generation. Why is that? Hey cham sorry I'm just now seeing this. What you call corny I call idiosyncrasies (because it has more syllables and people think you are smart when you use it correctly in a sentence) but I tend to find that many couple are happy when they have shared interests and can tolerate (and even participate) in the other's corniness. Some of it can be endearing when you get to see a side of each other, a relaxed and informal you, that others don't get to see. As for someone enjoying the thought of marriage, I think that comes when the right people meet each other at the right time. As I was saying in another post today, in the black community (and in other communities as well I believe) people are just waiting much longer to get serious and start families. If you are prone to do so, I would caution you against measuring your progress against the milestones of previous generations... they just aren't as applicable as they used to be. Getting established economically is taking a LOT longer for this generation compared to other due to wages not increasing nearly as fast as the cost of living. So whereas my Mom and Dad were married in the 20's and in a single family home, I didn't achieve the same until I was in my late 30's. It's a different world out there. And the fact that you aren't married isn't necessarily indicative of a problem. It may just be a question of timing. Right person has to find you at the right time. Until then... enjoy (as much as you can) being single. It ain't all bad right? Lol i soo appreciate this answer. Every one fills the need to let me know i wasnt blessed with patience, so i know I'm rushing something i absolutely shouldn't be. Lol it's hard to enjoy being single when the whole point seems to be: 1.find some one to marry 2.get them to marry you lol But And that "idocincreses" fwd (fancy word drop) was awesome. Lol |
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Post by rayjefury on Sept 30, 2015 4:06:56 GMT -8
Hey cham sorry I'm just now seeing this. What you call corny I call idiosyncrasies (because it has more syllables and people think you are smart when you use it correctly in a sentence) but I tend to find that many couple are happy when they have shared interests and can tolerate (and even participate) in the other's corniness. Some of it can be endearing when you get to see a side of each other, a relaxed and informal you, that others don't get to see. As for someone enjoying the thought of marriage, I think that comes when the right people meet each other at the right time. As I was saying in another post today, in the black community (and in other communities as well I believe) people are just waiting much longer to get serious and start families. If you are prone to do so, I would caution you against measuring your progress against the milestones of previous generations... they just aren't as applicable as they used to be. Getting established economically is taking a LOT longer for this generation compared to other due to wages not increasing nearly as fast as the cost of living. So whereas my Mom and Dad were married in the 20's and in a single family home, I didn't achieve the same until I was in my late 30's. It's a different world out there. And the fact that you aren't married isn't necessarily indicative of a problem. It may just be a question of timing. Right person has to find you at the right time. Until then... enjoy (as much as you can) being single. It ain't all bad right? Lol i soo appreciate this answer. Every one fills the need to let me know i wasnt blessed with patience, so i know I'm rushing something i absolutely shouldn't be. Lol it's hard to enjoy being single when the whole point seems to be: 1.find some one to marry 2.get them to marry you lol But And that "idocincreses" fwd (fancy word drop) was awesome. Lol Hey here's some food for thought. Do you agree that it's possible that: 1. It's not necessarily your singular responsibility to "find someone". You and your special someone may in fact "find each other" or maybe they "find you" while you weren't even looking. 2. Marriage is a decision that is mutually undertaken and self actualized (meaning we decide to get married because we "choose" it, not because the other person has engaged in activity to get us to marry or otherwise make the decision for us). Maybe you were just summarizing what society's basic approach to marriage is and not saying it was your own. But I definitely would argue that those things "arent" the whole point of relationships and thinking that way could lead to unnecessary disappointments. Anyway, like I said just food for thought. Great talk though. Keep posting. |
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cham
Female
Posts: 7
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Post by cham on Sept 30, 2015 4:14:36 GMT -8
Lol i soo appreciate this answer. Every one fills the need to let me know i wasnt blessed with patience, so i know I'm rushing something i absolutely shouldn't be. Lol it's hard to enjoy being single when the whole point seems to be: 1.find some one to marry 2.get them to marry you lol But And that "idocincreses" fwd (fancy word drop) was awesome. Lol Hey here's some food for thought. Do you agree that it's possible that: 1. It's not necessarily your singular responsibility to "find someone". You and your special someone may in fact "find each other" or maybe they "find you" while you weren't even looking. 2. Marriage is a decision that is mutually undertaken and self actualized (meaning we decide to get married because we "choose" it, not because the other person has engaged in activity to get us to marry or otherwise make the decision for us). Maybe you were just summarizing what society's basic approach to marriage is and not saying it was your own. But I definitely would argue that those things "arent" the whole point of relationships and thinking that way could lead to unnecessary disappointments. Anyway, like I said just food for thought. Great talk though. Keep posting. I absolutely agree with most of what you are saying. But If relationships aren't supposed to lead to marriage what are they for? I understand being in a relationship gives companionship, partnership, emotional and physical support.. But i like to think its important to date with purpose. When you do that, it holds people accountable. |
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Post by rayjefury on Sept 30, 2015 7:50:50 GMT -8
chamSome relationships just prepare you for marriage. To illustrate what you shouldn't do, and who you're significant other shouldn't be and/or how they shouldn't act. So I absolutely agree with you, you should date with a purpose... but that purpose (IMO) is to learn. You should be looking to learn what are their likes? What are their idiosyncrasies? Can you accommodate those idiosyncrasies? What are their strengths? What are their weaknesses? What are the things they do which you can't stand? If it turns out to be something they can't or won't change, is that something you can live with? You are marrying the entire package; virtue AND vice. Also, is there a sufficient overlap of shared values? Can you effectively communicate (not just talk, but hear and understand as intended)? Can the two of you fight fair (meaning when you have an argument can you focus on the issue or will the two of you make it personal)? Will the two of you put ego and emotion aside for the greater good? Will you look beyond each others flaws when they manifest? Do you share a common vision on parenting? Finance? Spirituality? Extended family? Do they value you? Do they show you they value you in your "love language"? And maybe most importantly... is that other person worthy of you? There is a metric ton of things to learn about a person before getting married. And honestly, you probably still won't know all the things about them that will ultimately matter to you. Even if you answered all of the questions above, there would still be more to learn, and some things you would only learn and discover once you are married (so I'm not suggesting there's some comprehensive questionaire you must answer before getting married). But there is much to consider and when you're in a relationship I think the purpose is to gather that information to see if you're going into it with an actual shot of making it or are you just throwing the "love" Hail Mary, and hoping it works out. (Maybe in your mind, this fact finding expedition is included in your process of "getting them to marry you"... and if so, then we're in agreement). I just know I have loved people and still have ultimately come to the understanding that that love wasn't enough. We weren't compatible and so we had to go separate ways. She's still a good person and so I am, but that didn't mean we were good together. Dating each other revealed that
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