When being wrong feels right...
Oct 1, 2015 22:40:14 GMT -8
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Post by Juliet on Oct 1, 2015 22:40:14 GMT -8
To make an extremely long story as short as I can make it.. This is my story,
In the 4th year of my marriage my husband started having a substance abuse problem after taking some hard life hits. After supporting him as best as I can and him leaving in and out of our family's life depending on his mood, supporting him had broken me down. One of the last chances we gave our marriage was him coming to me saying he really wanted to try and for our daughter even though I was reluctant, thought it was worth one last shot. I was wrong and he quickly went back to his old ways. I didn't have the heart to "kick him out" and he knew that as long as I was always willing to try to make our family work he would always have someone to fall back on. I was his support system but he was no longer living the role as a husband but he took all the benefits of me being his wife. During one of the stretches of time he had left the house and made the threat of divorce (because according to him I was his problem) I had made friends with someone through social media. This person was purely a friend at the time but I found comfort in the fact that this person brought enough happiness into my life that the pain my husband brought when he would act out lessened the pain it caused me. I was used to crumbling after I would get misdirected anger from my husband or when I would be dealing with his occasional absence. I could start to maintain peace because I had someone who was telling me I was amazing and beautiful and who genuinely appreciated the person I was and at this gave me strength. At this point it was just that.. Friendship. I never talked to my friend about problems with my husband but he had a way of always reminding me of my value when I was down. This man I became friends with lived in the same city as my sister and I had not met this person face to face before but I knew in an upcoming trip to visit her it would be possible, though I hadn't planned on it. Right before my trip to see my sister my husband and I got in a fight because he had withdrawn a large amount of our family's funds without talking to me about it and proceeded to disrespect me, degrade me, and broke me down to the littlest pieces when I asked him about it. It was my birthday weekend and he never called to see if I made it okay across the country and never wished me a happy birthday. The only text I got was right before I boarded my plane that said "I don't want to hear from you until you get back". I was heartbroken and just wanted my "friend" to comfort me. I let him know I was in the city and he came to see me right away. At the time I felt like I was sticking up for myself thinking that even though my husband treats me poorly it's not because I deserved it and someone else treating me like i was a treasure proved it (in my head). I found myself in a whirlwind romance while I was away. I came home floating on clouds and anything my husband said or did no longer mattered. Within days of me returning I told my husband he had to leave and I gave him 24 hours after one last alcohol induced anger outburst that solidified I did not deserve this for one more minute. Even though being unfaithful is never right it is incredibly hard for me to imagine me finding the strength on my own without rediscovering my value by seeing myself through someone else's eyes. It's hard for me to not be thankful my "friend" came in my life exactly when he did. My husband eventually found out through cell phone snooping about the affair so I still bare the title as a cheater and he told everyone he could, of course, so I have to live with that. I know what I did was not ideal it's just so hard to think I didn't meet him for a reason just based on what he did for my self esteem, and my strength while I was suffering. If I never met him I might have always believed that my husband was right, that I was difficult to love, I would never meet anyone that would put up with me and maybe would have never left a really bad situation.
In the 4th year of my marriage my husband started having a substance abuse problem after taking some hard life hits. After supporting him as best as I can and him leaving in and out of our family's life depending on his mood, supporting him had broken me down. One of the last chances we gave our marriage was him coming to me saying he really wanted to try and for our daughter even though I was reluctant, thought it was worth one last shot. I was wrong and he quickly went back to his old ways. I didn't have the heart to "kick him out" and he knew that as long as I was always willing to try to make our family work he would always have someone to fall back on. I was his support system but he was no longer living the role as a husband but he took all the benefits of me being his wife. During one of the stretches of time he had left the house and made the threat of divorce (because according to him I was his problem) I had made friends with someone through social media. This person was purely a friend at the time but I found comfort in the fact that this person brought enough happiness into my life that the pain my husband brought when he would act out lessened the pain it caused me. I was used to crumbling after I would get misdirected anger from my husband or when I would be dealing with his occasional absence. I could start to maintain peace because I had someone who was telling me I was amazing and beautiful and who genuinely appreciated the person I was and at this gave me strength. At this point it was just that.. Friendship. I never talked to my friend about problems with my husband but he had a way of always reminding me of my value when I was down. This man I became friends with lived in the same city as my sister and I had not met this person face to face before but I knew in an upcoming trip to visit her it would be possible, though I hadn't planned on it. Right before my trip to see my sister my husband and I got in a fight because he had withdrawn a large amount of our family's funds without talking to me about it and proceeded to disrespect me, degrade me, and broke me down to the littlest pieces when I asked him about it. It was my birthday weekend and he never called to see if I made it okay across the country and never wished me a happy birthday. The only text I got was right before I boarded my plane that said "I don't want to hear from you until you get back". I was heartbroken and just wanted my "friend" to comfort me. I let him know I was in the city and he came to see me right away. At the time I felt like I was sticking up for myself thinking that even though my husband treats me poorly it's not because I deserved it and someone else treating me like i was a treasure proved it (in my head). I found myself in a whirlwind romance while I was away. I came home floating on clouds and anything my husband said or did no longer mattered. Within days of me returning I told my husband he had to leave and I gave him 24 hours after one last alcohol induced anger outburst that solidified I did not deserve this for one more minute. Even though being unfaithful is never right it is incredibly hard for me to imagine me finding the strength on my own without rediscovering my value by seeing myself through someone else's eyes. It's hard for me to not be thankful my "friend" came in my life exactly when he did. My husband eventually found out through cell phone snooping about the affair so I still bare the title as a cheater and he told everyone he could, of course, so I have to live with that. I know what I did was not ideal it's just so hard to think I didn't meet him for a reason just based on what he did for my self esteem, and my strength while I was suffering. If I never met him I might have always believed that my husband was right, that I was difficult to love, I would never meet anyone that would put up with me and maybe would have never left a really bad situation.
