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Post by akanundrum on Aug 24, 2015 14:48:59 GMT -8
It goes without saying, one of the taboo things in our culture is speaking ill of a Black mother...regardless of how she raised you.
I've seen some of our own go above and beyond to DEMAND respect and instill a healthy fear into our sons, especially when there's no father in the home. I would go so far as to say it's actually expected for a single Black woman raising a son to be VERY tough. But do we sometimes go too far?
We look at Black men who have a disdain for Black women and wonder how could he...his mother is Black. The major complaint is: attitude, they talk to you crazy, they argue all the time, they don't listen, etc. Could this simply be a transference of what they've felt as a Black boy growin up with a mother who was overbearing?
What do you think? |
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Post by akanundrum on Aug 24, 2015 15:19:47 GMT -8
I was a teen mom so I had the EXTRA added insecurity - I know for fact I went hard on my son when he was younger. I whoop him and went off on him. Fortunately, I "grew up" early enough to see the error in my ways and stop before he was a teen. I still pray he wasn't damaged too much.
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Post by Positive_minds1963 on Aug 24, 2015 15:25:45 GMT -8
The Black woman (God) is the first woman that a Black man encounters in his life. How she talks to, listens to, treats, disciplines, encourages, and support her sun as an adolescent has a huge impact in his future behaviors with women. However there are some other aspects that affect how he interacts with women like music, friends, and the behavior of women. There are many Black women who do not respect Black men but court them because of the environment. I mean honestly how can she respect him (subconsciously and hypothetically) she grows up in a fatherless home, goes to a brainwashing institution called school that teaches her about the glories of white men, she grows up and attends a white man's college, gets paid by a white man to work, eats the food that the white people provide, and then comes home to a Black man that hasn't done anything not clean the dishes, wash the clothes, cook, give the kids baths or anything but give her dick and a headache so why would she respect him? He could even be paying all the bills and she still won't respect him because we do not own anything. Unless there is a situation where both parties male and female have a thorough knowledge of themselves and love of themselves there will always be a rejection of algamation. The knowledge of self provides a man (regardless of how his mother raised him) with a deep respect, love, admire, it also gives him the will to provide, conquer, protect, nurture, listen, rid himself of ego and always know when to apologize but also let her know when she's wrong... APPROPRIATELY. The knowledge of self gives the woman (regardless of her upbringing) the right mind to first of all choose the right Man, then know how to speak to that man, no matter if she's emotional or not she always speaks life into her man. If he's done something she doesn't like she will teach him how to do it properly I.e he fucked the carrots, legumes, and potato meal instead of belittling him she jokes about it and then teaches him the correct way. Then tests him to make it again. There are a lot of women in the conscious community whom belittle their men and that needs to be done away with.
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Post by boogie on Aug 24, 2015 15:51:15 GMT -8
As a black male, honestly speaking, I was raised by a single mother. That woman is my rock. BUT growing up my mother could get a little reckless at the mouth with me. Getting Whoopings, even though I was bigger and taller, getting slapped across the face for the smallest thing etc. As a young man, I realize those thing weren't okay. I also have two older black sisters who were very disrespectful. The oldest is still. I've watched my older sister literally yell and hit a toddler(my nephew). Therefore I don't have a good relationship with them. Since I'm the youngest of 3, they felt that my mother favored me. Therefore I've literally been talked about like a dog from my own black sisters for simply being "The good child." The times I've been out with my sisters in public they literally almost get into fights & arguments with people for the smallest things. All of these things made me have a certain image of black women growing up. Now that I'm older I've realized how foolish I was to have these negative views of my group of women. The women in my life aren't perfect. But I know they have my back for eternity & vice versa & that's all a brotha needs in life.
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Post by sauceking on Aug 24, 2015 15:56:16 GMT -8
I think some men have an issue with dealing with an OVERLY independent woman. Don't get me wrong independence is great. Being self sufficient is wonderful. The problem men run into is that over independence can be too much. Men want to feel needed, respected and appreciated. Men want their relationship with their woman to be similar to that of a man and his dog. (Finish reading before you eye roll). What I mean is, my dogs need me but they don't act or treat me like they don't.
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Post by stepmy on Aug 24, 2015 16:45:13 GMT -8
Sometimes women go too far. But if commucation and understanding was there. I believe the tough jive wouldnt exist in a sense. But i really cant say it depends on the individual
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Post by calicam on Aug 24, 2015 18:51:09 GMT -8
Being a teen mom, it is extremely hard to discipline when you are growing up yourself in the process. My son is 20 and our relationship can get strained at times. I am not overbearing but I worry about him with how this world is set up, and he doesn't like the advice that I give but he listens.
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Post by amirinyahya on Aug 24, 2015 21:30:44 GMT -8
I went through this with my oldest son. I was young(er) and angry with myself. I thought I was doing what his father should've been doing but I was just filled with anger. My dad is the one who told me "Mom is the name of God to a child". He told me to be soft, tender and moving with my child and not to worry about him having "strong male figures and discipline". He was right. Now I have three sons and I find myself getting softer after every birth. It took me reconnecting to my femininity and understanding that I CANNOT BE BOTH! When I did that, not only did my child grow in love with me, I created space for a father to come in and love him and a husband to love me fully.
Helping other women, and going through the change myself, helps me see that the missing piece is femininity. NOT feminism, but true FEMININE power. It's irresistable to all males, including our sons. They are much more apt to listen, respect, protect, and love us when we are fully IN our feminine power.
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Post by naturallyqte on Aug 24, 2015 21:47:20 GMT -8
I think some mothers overcompensate for the lack of a male presence in their sons lives. I try not to do that with my son but every so often I have to catch myself because I'll be pushing him into things that are traditionally considered "manly" instead of letting him come to it on his own.
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MaaKheru
Female
Posts: 1 
Relationship: Single Not Looking
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Post by MaaKheru on Aug 25, 2015 3:43:03 GMT -8
As a mother of twin boys, I evaluate myself on how I parent them. I was the type of mother who yelled all the time instead of speaking. It was out of frustration. Listening to other single mothers telling me I have to be the father and the mother. Impossible. My perception of family order is this, if the head is right the tail will follow. Figuratively speaking that is. Being consistent with myself made it easy to be consistent with them.
One day, the boys were literally bouncing off the wall and I couldn't get them to settle. I started yelling like a mad woman. They stood there staring at me, and the younger twin asked me, "Why do you have to be so violent?" I put myself in time out, went to my room, and cried. That is not the perception of a mother, Black Mother, I represent. That helped me change my approach. Love, nurture, be consistent, and firm when needed. A brother once asked me a question, "How do you think men become players?" His reply, "They start by playing their mothers."
Asé
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Post by mswinns on Aug 25, 2015 6:20:45 GMT -8
Wow! I am so excited to have found this post. I have twin sons that are about to turn 17. Divorced, angry, & clueless trying to do the job of Dad too. These posts just slapped me in the face of what I have been doing "wrong" all of this time. I too have been listening to folks tell me I need to be harder on them, I'm too soft on them etc. I have to accept the fact that I am human & will make mistakes and that I want to nurture the relationship with my sons, not force it.
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Post by 9ethrdchef on Aug 25, 2015 9:50:08 GMT -8
Absolutely!! My mother is my go to person, hands down. I'd kill or die for that woman. But, there were quite a few times growing up where her words and actions were overbearing! I know extra ass whoopin's, punishments, and even slaps/punches were because how I looked or talked or acted at a certain time reminded her of my dad. A lot of 80's babies are products of a father who was a rolling stone. Most of the women our fathers laid down with were inexperienced with a man, and our "pops" word play coerced them into giving themselves to him. Giving yourself to someone for the first time only to be thrown by the way side would definitely leave a scar. Doing that to a woman while leaving her with your child/children makes it worse. That child is a constant reminder of a decision you made with a man who may no longer find value in you!
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muney
Male
Posts: 12 
Relationship: Single Not Looking
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Post by muney on Aug 26, 2015 6:34:32 GMT -8
No i come from a home where a strong black women called her throne . her drive just showed my potential in the long run. as men we cant let strong woman make us uncomfortable. we are them and they are us . one
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dinknesh
Female
Posts: 4
Relationship: Single Searching
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Post by dinknesh on Aug 26, 2015 14:22:05 GMT -8
For me this has been one of my biggest realisation, I have a son who is about to turn 10. My relationship with me mother has greatly influenced my perception of men as well as how I initially was raising my son. I had so much pented up anger and self loth. I have great pride in raising my son but my action were so stern and aggressive I could see were having the opposite affect on him. The love I had so craved with my tough mother I was then withdrawing from my son. With honest friends and reflection I saw how I was and could future castrate his manhood. There a fine line with tough love and aggregation. I think ad black women we're conflicted in thinking we always have to do it better. Go harder, and we've become so scared of our softness and maternal qualities. We can't be father's we can only be mothers. We need to involve there father's (where possible) and have better friends who reflect the value and qualities we want in men around us.
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Post by OfficialMelaninMonro3 on Aug 26, 2015 17:33:37 GMT -8
In my current relationship, Im finding this to be more and more true. The other day, I was sick & in the hospital and I needed something from our house so I asked my guy to run home and get it for me. Nearly TWO HOURS passed before he returned. I was pissed to say the least. Come to find out, his Mother needed him to install a new toilet in her bathroom. Mind you, her guy was at the house and fully capable of taking care of this for her, right. So I asked my guy "Did you tell your Mother that I was waiting for you... AT THE HOSPITAL???" He looks at me (like Im wrong for being upset) and says "What did you want me to do? I can't say "no" to my Momma. I did what she told me to do."
Situations like these are beginning to happen more and more frequently. In the beginning of my relationship, she LOVED me. She'd brag to everyone about what a good woman I was for her son, she introduced me as her daughter/daughter-in-law (even before the ring) and now it's all changed. She says little things to him about us getting married, about our kids and she is very manipulative. As a black woman, I hate the way things are btwn us now. Ive sat and talked with her both with and without my guy being present. What I keep hearing her say is that she doesn't think her "baby" (he's an only child) is ready for a family. She went so far as to try to PAY me to leave him back in May! She may mean well but she is coming off as one of "those" mommas from hell. Idk if how much more Im going to tolerate and he is too afraid to tell his mom her place.
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